There has always been so much i have wanted to say, not even say, write, or type. But I have never wanted to actually see my horrid truths. I don’t know how or what people judge me on. I don’t know how you see me. But there is way more than just looks. And in all honestly, I don’t even know the whole me. I can read people really well. I just cant read myself.
Lately though I just want to be happy. But then I get you smarties who ask me “Well what makes you happy?” and I use to know. But things have changed so drastically and I have grown and learned so much. That I don’t remember a long time period where I can say I was in bliss. I do know when I try to think about it, I remember myself being happier when I am single. I don’t know why but when I am in a relationship - I feel trapped, I don’t feel like I am my true self, I loose my spirit, and I loose what makes me, ME.
I know that when I am happy, I love myself and I see life with new eyes. But those states are very short lived. Oh, did I mention I am bi-polar?
Bi-Polar disorder: is a condition in which a person has periods of depression and periods of being extremely happy or being cross or irritable.
I was diagnosed when I was 19, after a major cry for help - or a fucking way to get out. Anyways, would have been nice knowing that I am emotionally unstable when I was in school. All the family fights would have made a lot more sense. What doesnt kill us makes us stronger eh?
So back to the main point, it is always SO up and down. I hate it. I don’t know how to control it, random stuff triggers emotions for me. Which may be going deeper into my past that we wont get into right now. I just want to know that I am not alone. And that those happy episodes can actually STAY for longer. Forever if thats not too much to ask.
Lets be honest, at least life is never boring. haha you have no idea.